Wacky Biblical Definitions of Marriage

Family Values Update: "Sponsors of the California ballot measure that banned same-sex marriage are seeking to nullify thousands of marriages between gay and lesbian couples performed after the state Supreme Court ruled them constitutional."

Way to defend the concept of marriage as the union of one penis and one vagina (don't get me started about intersexuals, clearly sent by Satan to screw up the system). I'm sure glad love has nothing to do with it. Jesus would be so proud...

Or would he? Let's see where consistency leads, if one defines marriage Biblically:

Matthew 5:31 "It has been said [by Moses], 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

Since secular law doesn't recognize the definition of marriage given by Jesus and it would be a hard sell in a state referendum, it will be up to the Christian community to police itself and come up with a new word for those "adulterous marriages". Matridultery? Adultrimony? Maybe they could have a contest for the best word...

Some other Biblical "definitions of marriage" that might prove troublesome for legalistic Christians:

Deuteronomy 22:28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives. (If she IS pledged to be married, the rapist is stoned to death, unless it happens within earshot of people and nobody hears the girl scream, in which case she is also stoned to death.)

That's Biblical justice for you... of course that's the Old Testament, which no longer counts, according to:

Ephesians 2:14 For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations.

So much for those Ten Commandments monuments. Lord, when will you teach your followers to read their own book? (God: "And I thought it was such a great idea to put ineffable knowledge in a book so it wouldn't get lost. Now they're trashing the meaning while going at each other's throats over the text. You know, that's uniquely human, I designed that. What? Stop looking at me that way. I'm sure there was a reason when I did it.")