THE TWELVE STEPS OF DOUCHEBAGS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over douchery—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
douche-less sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.(Note: Abrahamic deities may be powerless over their own douchery, so go with Buddhism, my advice).

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and resisted Nietzsche.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our douchery.Lucked out and didn't get doxxed and flooded with douche threats. Maybe skip that last one.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.* (See above warning about gods.)

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.* (Physician may not have fully healed Himself, depending on how you interpret Revelation. Violent obsessive fantasy or sureally ironic meta-commetary? His psychiatrist is on the fence here.)

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.* (May qualify as stalking in some instances.)

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.* (Milk this for all it's worth if you're douchebag and someone thinks they'll make amends without a little guilt-grifting.) [To self -- edit this later.]

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it. *(May not apply to some candidates for political office, we're not trying to lose here... or ARE we? Hmm...)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and
the power to carry that out.* (Again, this could go really badly if you're priming your prayer-antennae with some of the more psychopathic verses. DO NOT prescribe to psychotics, people on anti-psychotics, or anyone bipolar).

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to
carry this message to douchebags, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.* (And got the courts to endorse our blatantly religious agenda! How cool is that.)

Factual note: AA was first envisioned during a hallucinogenic drug trip (belladonna was used for detox, before further research on hallucinogenic interventions for addictions was banned).